In the first High School Musical, Gabriella asks this question…
“Do you remember in kindergarten how you'd meet a kid and know nothing about them, then 10 seconds later you're playing like you're best friends, because you didn't have to be anything but yourself?”
My Personal Friendship History
K-12
Growing up, I went to the same school for 13 years where there were only about 40 of us in a grade. Aside from Kindergarten, making friends was a lot less about forging new connections and more about deepening or expanding on old ones.
Having friends is easy when you are in elementary, middle, and even high school. You are required to go to school and see those people every single Monday through Friday for years. You do class projects, go to prom, and cheer on the basketball team together.
College
When I went to college my freshman year, I had pre-existing friends and relationships that made my transition much easier and came with lots of new friends, simply by association.
I lost some of those after my freshman year after a break-up, and sophomore year, I got a fresh start to try and make some of my own friends. But then Covid happened, and we all know how easy it was to socialize then.
Similarly to K-12 school, college makes it easier to have friends because socialization is built into our lives for us. We live with other students, and we eat with them in the dining hall. We see them in class every other day, and we study in the library together.
Post-College
But then, you graduate.
Everyone gets a job in a different office, or they move to a new town. People start to get married or have children, while some people act like they never left college at all.
But even for those who don’t admit it, the truth remains - everything changes.
And for me, it wasn’t until after I graduated that I realized…
Besides Kindergarten, I had never really had to make friends.
Therefore, I had no idea how to do it.
Friendship Doesn’t Just Happen
Our modern American society is no more built for community than it is for health. Having a fulfilling social life is basically impossible to do while working full-time. In fact, having friends is a full-time job in and of itself.
Friendship is not just going to happen. We aren’t just going to wake up one day and realize that without putting any effort into it, we just happened to form some really deep and lasting relationships.
Our society is built around “I”, not “we.” Isolation over connection.
Therefore, prioritizing friendship requires changes that counter the current of culture.
In my experience trying to make friends, the biggest wall I have come up against is busyness.
And while yes, I do believe you make time for the things that are important to you, I also believe that many people genuinely desire friendship but also genuinely don’t know how to make time due to everything piled up on their plate.
So what do we do?
My Friendship Rules
Here are some of my tips and realizations from the last few years, navigating the open sea that is friendship in your 20’s.
I am certainly no expert on friendship. Quite the opposite actually. But I am learning there is value in sharing things from the middle, not just from the end.
Find people you want to be friends with. I feel like one of my biggest mistakes was trying to be friends with the wrong people. Look for people with similar interests, hobbies, passions, values. It could be someone in your workout class, a girl you consistently see in the library, or someone you follow on social media who lives in your area. Pursue friendships with people who inspire you and make you more like the person you want to be. Remember, you become like the people you surround yourself with!
Be yourself. Putting yourself out there and making new friends is a lot harder as an adult than it is in Kindergarten. But even harder than that is truly being yourself. This brings me back to Gabriella’s quote from HSM, “because you didn’t have to be anything but yourself.” As adults, many of us have learned to morph and put on different layers to be who others want us to be. If you want real friendship, you have to have the courage to shed the layers and be nothing but yourself.
Be intentional. As I said before, friendships don’t just happen. They require effort! Take the time to text your friends and ask about their day. Follow-up on that date they had or the big project at work that was due. Set aside a couple minutes every morning to send some encouragement to a friend who has been struggling. These little moments of connection and intention add up!
Realize you are not going to be friends with everyone, and don’t take it personally. This one’s for me. Some people will say no to your invitations, they will be too busy, or you just won’t click with them. That is okay! Like or not (and for me it is definitely or not), this is just a part of finding the right friends.
Recognize the power of proximity. It is easier to be friends with people you have some kind of proximity to - whether its living in the same neighborhood, working in the same office, or attending the same church. Think about Friends and The Big Bang Theory: they were neighbors. In Gilmore Girls, they lived in a small town - Rory could run to Lane’s house in two minutes. In The Office or Parks and Rec, they were co-workers. I am not saying you have to go buy a house right next to your best friend and start working for the same company, but I am saying that proximity holds a lot of power in friendship!
Recognize that friendship is hard for everyone. It is so easy to see other people out and about with friends or see a post on social media and start to believe the narrative that you are the only one struggling. We make ourselves think that everyone else has plenty of friends, and no one else is ever lonely. But let’s just start owning that making friends as an adult is hard! This vulnerability could be a springboard into some great new friendships.
Understand the power of shared experiences. Shared experiences can be anything you have in common - being a mom, playing a sport, watching a show, growing up in church. It can also be a specific experience you all shared together. The combination of these experiences - whether you had them separately or together - form a really strong foundation for friendship!
An Example of a Specific Shared Experience
My sophomore year of college, my roommate and I were in the student center getting breakfast. The floor by the drink machine was always wet, and even though I knew that, this day I slipped and completely wiped out on my butt in front of the entire Chick-fil-a line. My old roommate and I still talk about this occurrence today.
Note: Shared experiences don’t have to be embarrassing, but they are probably more bonding when they are.
Your family can be your friends, but they don’t have to be. Family is different for everyone. To those who have a difficult relationship with family, maybe you need to recognize that you don’t have to be friends with your family. You can love them from afar. And to those who have a good relationship with their family, maybe you need to recognize that they can be your friends! As an adult, the dynamics of family change a lot. Yes, they will always be Mom, Dad, brother, sister, uncle, cousin, or whatever relation they are to you, but maybe you also need to start seeing them as a friend!
Pray for friendships. I have prayed for friendships off and on throughout my life but a lot in the last couple years after college. Not just acquaintance friendships - although those have their place - but the kind of friendships where people really know you. The kind where no matter how many years or miles go by, you will always be friends.
In my prayer journal, I have a specific section where I can write down ways to be praying for friends. This past week as I was looking over that list, I teared up thinking about how having these friends to pray for is such an answered prayer in and of itself.
Keep praying. He hears you.
Schedule friendship. In one of my recent posts, I argued that sometimes you just have to put fun on the calendar. For so many of us, our calendar is THE dictator of how we spend our time. So schedule yourself some time for friendship! Bonus points if it is a recurring appointment - a weekday morning walk, a Saturday coffee, a Thursday night dinner. Build these opportunities for connection into your life.
Host the kind of things you wish you were invited to. This could be a book club, a girl’s taco night, a walk, a picnic, a painting night, a workout class, or a game night. Think about the kinds of events or hang-outs you would be excited to be invited to, and then make it happen!
Invite people to do things with you that you are already doing. As I mentioned, one of the biggest challenges in friendship is how busy everyone is. But guess what - everyone is doing a lot of the same things - working out, eating, shopping, going to church, etc. Try doing some of those things together! If you go to the same gym every morning, invite a friend to join and come too. If you go out to eat every Saturday night, why not invite another couple to join you?
Friendship as an adult does not come easy, but the best things in life often don’t.
Thank you so much for reading! I will talk to you next week!
Take care,
Caroline